Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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