well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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