im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
