i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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