When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
