the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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