You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
