so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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