ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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