Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
