I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
