when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The best revenge is premature balding
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
