Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
