I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
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