Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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