woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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