Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
