Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
