Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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