My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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