he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
