I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
