farters have to be the big spoon...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
