There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
