God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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