I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
