Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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