proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
