yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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