I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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