I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
