i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
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The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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