His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
