Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
