apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
