After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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