Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
