Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
