Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
