So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
