did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
