he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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