I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
