I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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