He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I need a burrito and a hug.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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