if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
