Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
