So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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