I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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