Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
