Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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