He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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