Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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