Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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