Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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