I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
