She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
