I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
