haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
