He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
