NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
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I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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