I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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