sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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